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On envy and love for the current self 🔗 September 5th, 2024

I realize my major sin is envy. I am especially jealous of other people's skills in fields we share, and of experiences they had that I haven't. It's somewhat easier to deal with once you're aware of it though. This is what I repeat to myself.

When it comes to skills, it can be a good reason to become better. It is worth to think of what you can be in the future, but only if it gives you reason to act in the present. Otherwise, fantasizing about possible futures without taking action is counterproductive.

When it comes to experiences, it is useless to think about what you could have been and what you could have done in the past. Of how different you'd be if you grew up in a different environment.

You wouldn't be where you are if you followed a different life path.

Are you happy with your current life? To be honest, I am. I have the privilege to study and work abroad, travel, make friends, and create good memories. Just in the past year, I've been to Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Austria, Finland, France, Spain, and Slovakia. I probably wouldn't have been able to do any of this if my past hadn't led me to where I am now.

So what is it that I'm so jealous of? The stories that others recount. I feel a strange nostalgia for memories that don't belong to me. Sometimes I wish I'd had a wilder childhood and teenage years. I wish I'd hung out more and done more daring things. I wish I'd done this, and I wish I'd been that.

But in the end, people like me for who I am now, not for what I could have been.

They appreciate me as I am, not for what I'm not.

And at the end of the day, your current, real self is the only one that truly matters.

Should a cook be just a healer? 🔗 July 22th, 2024

This is an old thought I had a while ago.

I think cooks should not necessarily be alchemist-healers (see Kirby cook). I think a good cook design would be a wizard-warrior full of war wounds with a pyromancer build. This *might* be due to personal experience (I am full of war wounds from cooking lol)

One of my friends told me they have a gnome-thief cook in their campaign.

It would be fun to see the three cook brothers together.

Probably it would even be funnier to have a team of just these three cooks: the warrior, the healer and the thief. Sounds balanced enough.

Byee, Sofia

Free Will 🔗July 11th, 2024

A couple of weeks ago, I presented my Bachelor thesis. Given my previous projects, one would expect my thesis to be on something like Computer Graphics or Quantum Computing. And I *did* ask the quantum computing prof to do a thesis on quantum communication or cryptography! But in the end, I did something completely different.

My thesis was on free will.

Now, if you're curious and want to read what it's all about, head over to this repo.

If you want to know how I *really* feel about free will, keep reading.

Let me just tell you. Pretty much my whole life, I used to think there is no such thing as free will. We are not free; we are bound by our experiences, emotions, neurons, hormones, and so on. Though I'd always admit that humans probably needed to believe in some form of self-determination to not go crazy.

However, after working on this thesis and after reading so much on free will, I'm not saying I completely changed my mind, but I became obsessed with finding free will somewhere, anywhere, in any amount, shape and form. I'm no longer happy nor satisfied with the idea that there is no free will at all.

Whatever William James said: "My first act of free will shall be to believe in free will".

Okay that's all for now, feel free to read my thesis and let me know what you think. There are so many additional papers, books, articles, and so on you could read on free will, so try not to fall down the rabbit hole!

Love, Sofia

On the strategic withholding of affection. 🔗 July 20th, 2023

I have seen and heard of many instances of people withholding affection, usually after one or many bad experiences with dating or friendship.

Not because they are not capable of giving affection anymore, but because they find comfort in knowing that, should this relationship go sour, they didn't "waste" affection for these people, hoping to reduce the pain in case the relationship ends.

I believe this is pointless, because the pain of losing a relationship (platonic or romantic) will be the same regardless of how much affection you gave.

Some could argue that it isn't true and that the loss of a relationship where you put more effort in hurts more than one where you were withholding affection.

To that, I'd respond that usually the "additional" pain doesn't come from the loss of the relationship itself but from a feeling of foolishness, the embarrassment of being taken advantage of.

So what I believe is people should give all their affection, without letting the fear of losing them and the pain caused by other people influence this.

However, I also believe that one shouldn't empty oneself to give to others. That's when they're taken advantage of.

I believe that if you give to others with the pure intention of giving, while enjoying giving and without draining yourself, you won't feel that sense of foolishness if the relationship ends.

You'll instead feel that you did the right thing, you did what you were supposed to do, and if things went this way, then so be it.

The point is you didn't give because you were trying to get something out of it, but because you purely enjoy giving affection for the sake of it.

Of course I'm speaking from my personal experience with friendships and relationships, but it has all led me to believe and feel that giving affection of any kind is good and right.

And I found that it gets affection back to you, even though you should be doing it selflessly and for the sake of love itself.